What Does It Mean To Be a ‘Pick Me’?

Picture this.

You’re about to leave work when you hear someone calling out to you. It’s your boss. Earlier today they made an offensive remark about your gender, tribe, race or religion that you found distasteful but decided to ignore. So you’re not excited to see them.

They walk up to you grinning and tell you how much they like you, that you’re not like other members of your gender/tribe/race/religion who would have flared up at their statement. You’re different. You’re better than them because you didn’t react. They respect you for it and are beginning to see you and the members of your group in a different light.

You feel flattered. You say amidst smiles that yes, the statement was offensive, but you’re not like the others. You didn’t see the need to react. You don’t even understand why they react and besides, you shrug, there is a grain of truth to what they said. So you can’t be too offended.

You go home feeling special. You have changed your boss’s mindset about you and your tribe. Well done.

Replace ‘boss’ with a friend, colleague, classmate, teacher, random stranger, etc. Don’t be shocked if you’ve found yourself in such a scenario or seen one play out in your presence.

Your boyfriend and his friends make jokes about sexual violence against women. They believe R. Kelly is innocent. They are fond of blaming rape and domestic violence victims for the abuse they received. You laugh along and even add your jokes. When they express surprise that you aren’t offended, you tell them they’re right, it’s the lady’s fault, anyway. They’re impressed. They say you’re different from other girls. You don’t take things personally, you’re not always getting offended like other girls. You feel flattered, like you’re one of the boys.

Last week, you went on a date with your man and someone rudely touched you. You were upset and annoyed. Especially when your boyfriend told you if you had dressed ‘decently’, you wouldn’t have been disturbed. But I wonder, why exactly are you annoyed at his statement? Does it shock you? Or do you presume when they talk about women, you are exempted?

If you find yourself falling into any of these, I mean downgrading your gender/tribe/race/religion to please others or gain their approval, you receive the great honour of being a ‘Pick Me’.

According to Urban Dictionary, a ‘pick me’ is the type of person who constantly begs for attention and approval, and has to make everything about themselves. They will do anything to get attention and approval, including bringing other people down. The term became popular on TikTok in late 2021 and became the basis for most comedy sketches.

Hmm. I’m sure you don’t like the sound of that. Or want to be associated with it. The term is usually used to describe women. They are called ‘pick me girls’. So you get the idea, the kind of girl who constantly talks about how she can’t have female friends because they’re all gossips, fake and jealous. The type of girl who makes fun of girls using makeup, wearing pink, or acting in ways that are considered girly. When topics like feminism or equality come up, they’re the first to mock and ridicule them. We all know a girl like this. I’m very sure someone just came to your mind. It may be you.

Now don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong if you’re not into makeup. There’s nothing wrong if you’ll rather wear jeans than dresses. Or if you’re rather playing sports than going shopping. Where I have a problem is when you see the need to pick on women who like these things to make yourself feel better. Come on, it’s not their fault if you don’t know how to use makeup.

I don’t think the term only applies to women. We have different variations of ‘pick me’ behaviour across different genders, races and fields. Some men cut themselves down or claim to be unlike most men to get women’s attention. Some people make fun of their races, tribes or religion, just to seem cool and get approval from another group. Everyone, at one point, has exhibited ‘pick me’ behaviour. Remember trying to put down your siblings in front of your parents so they like you best? Or even making fun of your friends in front of your crush so you look like the better option.

When I think of an example of ‘pick me’ behaviour in men that cuts across race, I remember the video that went viral in December 2018 showing American comedian Chris Rock comfortably using the N-word with white comedians Louis C.K and Ricky Gervais. The video was not only cringe, it seemed like a black man trying to prove he’s not like other black men who would get offended by the statement. That he’s cool and besides, these are his friends. They can use it.

I’ve told you who a ‘pick me’ is and mentioned some instances of ‘pick me’ behaviour. Now you can check yourself and others around you. We haven’t talked about why people act like this. Why some women/men pick on other women/men to make themselves seem better.

I think it points to self-esteem issues. If you have high esteem, you won’t feel the need to make others look bad so you can shine. That’s my own opinion though. Most people believe ‘pick me’ behaviour in women is a result of internalized misogyny. According to Modern Intimacy, that is a term that conceptualizes the way some women will feel contempt towards their own gender. In other terms, they act in certain ways they believe men around them would approve of, in their minds, if they get men’s approval, these men will pick them above other women and that’s essentially the goal of the pick me person, to be picked.

Whether that’s the reason or not, I think picking on your gender/race/tribe/religion to be liked by others is sad. If you have to downgrade yourself to get accepted by someone, do you think that acceptance is real? Do you believe that when they abuse your gender/race/tribe/religion, you are exempted because you laugh along?

I’m going to end this by repeating something I said earlier. You’re not better than other girls because you don’t like make-up or shopping. You’re also not better because you do like these things. Whether you find yourself affiliated with the stereotypes your gender/tribe/race/religion is known for, you’re not better than others because they do or do not exhibit these stereotypes. Deep down, you’re all the same.

The next time you’re in a group, or about to make that insensitive, silly post online, take a step back and think. Ask yourself why you’re saying this. Are you trying to call out something you think is wrong? Or are you looking for relevance and confirmation?

Have a great weekend.